Me: Wandering through my memory maze I catch a glimpse of my Selves, past/present/future. Parallel universes present in my musings, lifetimes out of time, possibilities infinite. I see who I could be, what I could do, where I have existed in and out of space-time. Dual faces juxtaposed inside the skin and bones of my face are looking out through one set of eyes, pushing and shoving to get a better view and a foothold in reality more solid than the other guy has. or had. until now.
I view snippets of my life on a gag reel. It's not all humorous, but it is ridiculous. Ridiculous in the way that all human drama is exaggerated and punctuated with the melodramatic flair of soap opera theatrics: tragic yet laughable. While existing in past moments of dramatic intensity, I certainly wasn't laughing, I assure you. I was flailing. I was drowning in my over-active imagination, positively giddy inside with the sheer dramatic effect of victimhood.
It is possible to fall so far inside the mind that the present moment is never actually felt. Sometimes this condition is necessary for survival.
Flash back to terror again. Backlash felt inside skin cells and bone marrow.
A separation of mind and body so drastic it takes a lifetime to put the two back together. It is a process merely beginning, with a world left to travel before truly meeting back in the middle.
(Space in between light and shadow, surpassing them both to a place beyond duality. )
A single moment stored in the body grows through time, expands until it takes over past/present/future, building walls thicker and tougher than whale skin and just as warm in a dark memory ocean.
There I go again, lost in a memory trance, demons robbing me of life, moment by moment, shaving away minutes as if I'll never miss what I never really had to begin with. Try to come back by examining my reflection again. I could see something new this time, discover something vital about who or what I am. If I search my eyes hard enough, perhaps I'll find me in there and pull myself out. I must drag myself: pulling hair, ripping clothes, knocking out a few teeth; so great is the resistance to this and all moments.
I revisit trauma now with a purpose: eradication, freedom, forced visitation, demon exodus. Explore the body now. View nooks and crannies of feeling, stored over too long, fused with this self that I call mine. So now the un-fusing.
A separation is needed if wholeness will ever occur. A release of moments past that hinder this now.
Swirling thoughts running in place, hope for clarification through repeated backward glances, meanwhile tripping over present moments forgotten to be lived until they are mere memories. Memory of a remembering of a moment in which I was not really there. Ten times removed from the present moment it is finally safe to explore. Or so was my thinking.
The only way to escape is through recognition, experience, acknowledgment of body, mind and spirit in equal parts. I once said that I needed to be unleashed. It is begun.
You: I scare people. They see themselves unmasked through my eyes. Welcome to your Self. I put you on display, though no one can see but you and me. It is enough to scare all but the most determined souls. Enough to put the fear of discovery in heretofore unexamined hearts. Nobody likes a mirror that tells the truth, looks past skin and teeth, down through nostrils, around tonsils, catching on cilia. Intestines are turned inside out; bowels and all exposed, atoms splitting all the way down to the light of the Universe buried inside of every chest.
This is what I show you and you run from: Light.
With light comes darkness and shadow, source of fear deeply seeded. Would you believe me if I told you that you created yourself? Would you believe me if I told you that god and devil indwell you in equal parts?
Inhale, exhale, repeat as needed.
Are you ready for my revelation? Are you ready to be whole? Can you feel your own vibration? I do. I feel you vibrating next to me or across the room or across oceans, across time and space and dimensionality, your wavelengths bouncing off of mine... or commingling harmoniously. (If they commingle, then I know you know this and I say pardon me for preaching to the choir). How deep are you willing to plunge into the unknown, dark and abysmal self?
Are you prepared to be stripped down, beyond the flesh? I'm recording you in real time and I'm on maximum zoom. Into the grain I go, grain of flesh, grain of light, you've lost all shape and texture, now you are color, pointillist rainbow. Point by point I will examine you and roll you through my fingers to get a feel for your vibration. Meet me at the lowest common denominator. I am yours and you are mine.
Us: Repeatedly you may ask me, broken record that you are and absent enough not to notice, repeatedly you ask me: How do I know this? I know because you know because we know the truth the way our bodies know they need food, water, sleep, the way an infant knows that cries manifest full breasts for the suckling. I know because I have harvested the memories buried inside my chest and I see in your eyes that you possess the same. Let us learn from each other. I will dig you out if you will do the same for me, for today I am x-ray and you are skeletal, or is musculature exposed and fleshy beneath me? I want so much for you to shed your illusions and see yourself the way that I do, unfooled as I am by your mind-fucking prestidigitation.
Side note on the sidelines of time: We are losing our language in the age of abbreviation, so bear with me if I conjure up specifics that you may or may not have forgotten while staring wide eyed at professional sports and reality tee vee stars.
I will continue to mention a forgetting because there is nothing I can say that you don't already know. The written word has created worlds while doing nothing for our memories. The collective memory goes back to the edge of reality and beyond and I feel a yearning in the human spirit to remember why we exist.
Wounded humanity is searching for an outlet, a way back to the source within, light of the universe, every speck of dust teeming with the power to simply BE...
Desperate search now: race to the finish line, a lost people, lost generations, thousands of years lost in delusion; we are a people of illusion, preferring that which we create in our minds to that which stands in front of us. The sun sheds light equally on us all, let us learn from this. Everything casts a shadow regardless of the value we give it. Perception swings pendulum drastic, black then white then back again. No balance. Let me help you escape your excitation, let me be your ocean calm- path back to yourself- my wish for you is no less than my wish for me: merely peace, simply profundity. I want to free you from your self-created tears of pain. You slingshot yourself through life hoping that there will be a good movie to watch and enjoy at the end of the ride, but meanwhile you've missed the point.
Can you say this with conviction? Cast off your sense of self and transcend this body of experiences to see the bigger picture: Creation. Light. Human drama spinning samsara lifetime after lifetime: Same shit, different body, different timeline- circumstantial paradigm shift- hope for at least one lesson to permeate each new generation. Slow going. Minimal progress...
Examine singlehanded revelation granted with a kiss from my inner optimist. Mystical me is feeling for this We and searching for a singular answer of regeneration. Paradigm shift profoundly offered if you see it waving from inside the darkness by which you sleep away the days. We are wading knee deep in this muck and shit, illusory destination set in play dough softness, equally malleable, not to mention fallible to infant and to grandpa time. I see footprints across our dreams from the ants that never stop being... is there a pattern yet detected here? Is it clear that I am You are Me? Separate cells in one living organism, synchronized swimmers creating divine geometry, incomplete minus any one line...send me a sign before I send you one first, for mine will be iconoclastic and turn your world inside out in the hopes that this new perspective will shed some light on your own shadow. I want to know before I am dead if you can see within me the light of our divinity and realize I am your pond reflection, I am your truth seduction; let me seduce you with reality, expose what you've been missing, precious you, I say surprise, it is granted and with your luminosity a sense of liminality and no trace of lamentation for what has come before this moment. Welcome back.
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